Gotta love that gorilla

A small zoo in the south obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bubba Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bubba Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bubba Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bubba Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition."Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition."Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition."Fourth", Bubba Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last," Bubba Lee said, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

Application¬ For Permission To Date My Daughter
Note: Please be prepared to submit additional information- e.g. psychological profile, DNA sample, and submission to polygraph exam.
1. Name:___________________________________ Date of Birth:____/____/_______
2. Height:____ft. ____in. Weight:_______lbs. I.Q.:________ GPA:_________
3. Social Security #:_____-______-_____ Driver’s License: State____ Number_________
4. Home Address: _________________________ City:________________ State:_______
5. Boy Scout Rank:__________________________
6. How fast can you run 40 yards?: ____sec. Two Miles?: _____min.
7. Church you attend: __________________________ How often?:_________________
8. In 50 words or less, Explain what “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” means to you.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
9. In 50 words or less, Explain what “Late” means to you.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10. Complete the following sentences:
a. If I were to be shot, the last place I would want to be shot is in the _________
b. If I were to be beaten, the last bone I would want broken is _______________
c. The only thing I hope this Application does not ask is _______________________________________________________________
d. In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like my ashes scattered _______________________________________________________________
e. My greatest fear is _______________________________________________
11. What do you want to be if you grow up? _______________________________________
12. Have you ever been fingerprinted? Yes______ No______
13. Do you have any Identifying marks? e.g. birth marks, scars, tattoos- Yes_____ No_____
(if yes please explain and give location) _______________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
14. My Dentist is ________________________ City____________________ State________
I hereby swear that all the information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of Death or Dismemberment.
Signed: ______________________________________

Thank you for your interest! Please allow 4 to 6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not call, write or E-mail. Any attempts at contact during the processing of this application could be hazardous to your health and/or cause serious personal injury.

Two Welsh Girls in a Pub....

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....

I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"

So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales from Scotland?"


That's all I remember.....

Here ya' go...Compliiments of one of our members.

Best, Capt. Chris

BEST BARTENDER JOKE EVER!


A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar.


Bartender asks ....


What'll ya' have, Mr. President?

Very good!

Not dirty ... a little "spicy."

NO SEX Since 1955
---
>
>A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
>local liberal arts college.
>
>There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
>whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
>
>"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
>bothering you?"
>
>"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
>
>The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you
>have seen a lot of action."
>
>"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
>
>The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
>you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
>
>The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
>
>Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
>way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
>
>"1955, ma'am."
>
>"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out!
>I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where
>she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
>
>Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
>"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
>
>The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
>2130 now."
>
>Gotta love military time!

HaHa, gotta love those sly Marines!!

Pap